Yet, I will


Here’s some fun pics from my life recently

Wow. Long time no post. It’s been a minute! It’s especially been a minute since I’ve posted something deeper than clothes haha. I’ll admit I’ve definitely been going through a season. Sometimes you walk through a new season and you really have no idea what’s going on, what you’re feeling, or even truly what you’re doing. In this season, it feels like I’ve been spinning round and round and circles… not necessarily gaining new ground and not necessarily losing ground either. I’ve felt a little dry I guess you could say. And very very tired. So tired of crying. In this season, I have cried a lot and most of the time the trigger well I couldn’t even tell you what it was now. But I know where it all leads. I hate being so fragile. It’s embarrassing to not be able to get ahold of yourself. However, the other day I heard a sermon that I very much needed.

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there is no fruit on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
  YET I will triumph in Yahweh;
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!
Yahweh my Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like those of a deer
and enables me to walk on mountain heights!

Choosing to walk out trauma was the overall lesson. I can definitely say it is a lot easier said than done. I find myself smiling one minute and crying the next. Excited for my future and then dreading the new. Hopeful and then scared. It’s overwhelming at times. I’m still working on not bottling up my emotions. But I can see growth in me even if it is faint. I believe when we deal with trauma just getting up and choosing to face the day ahead is a step in itself. I’ve always heard there’s a grieving process and there are steps. Well I’m not sure I would call my experience so far “steps” as much as a whirlwind or even a toss up. I never really know what to expect. Not sure what my set off my emotions for the day. “Let light shine out of darkness” 2nd Corinthians 4:6. I believe there is always good amongst the bad. I’m not perfect. My family, friends, peers will you tell the same. I make a lot of day to day mistakes. I’m my biggest critic, aren’t we all? But now that my mom is now waiting for me in heaven I have to be there for myself. Where I used to go to my mom with everything. Mad about school? Called mom. Mad at my boyfriend? Called mom. Asked dad for something and he said… Call mom. I am having to be my own person. Its strange. But if anything is true no one knows you like you know you. I’m the only person who knows exactly what I’m feeling. Well me and God. Psalms 68 repeats a phrase “Pause in his presence.” I had a cheer coach who would always tell us to “pause” and take moment for responding or dealing. In this season of my life I am walking through and out of trauma, I am pausing in his presence, gathering together my thoughts and feelings, and moving forward. Moving forward still seems light years away, but I am ready to be on the other side. Whatever you’re dealing with in your own personal life, you’re growing. We don’t always see growth while we’re in the midst of it. Though it feels like we’re not making any process speak the word “Yet.” Yet I believe. Yet I trust. “Because you love the Lord” beautiful words. Because you love the Lord you will be able to see the good. You will cling to the “yet” and end with an “I made it through it.”

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