Journal Entry 02/20/18
Well it’s been a while… at least that’s what it feels like. It seems like lately I’ve allowed life to control me rather than me having control over it. So for today I want to treat this post like a diary. Get things out and in the open.
February 19, 2018
The other night I kept seeing a marker being twisted and it was to the point of running out. You know how when you twist up an eyeliner pencil and it gets to the point where it just makes clicking noise and nothing is coming out, nothing is left? That’s what I’m talking about. And in a way thats how I’ve felt. How I’m sure many of us have felt. Like people, work, school, and life have twisted you so much you’re out of energy. Bet yet they still keep twisting you and you click over and over again. Being used past your end point. Relating yet?
The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it again every single day. Every day we face the same truth. But life is fleeting. That our time here is short. And to honor the fallen, we must live our own lives well. – One Tree Hill
Today I came to the realization that my life has changed. My everyday life will never be the same. When we deal with loss 9/10 in a few days or weeks it seems as if our lives go back to normal. I’ve experienced this. When my uncle passed away I was devastated but my every day life, my daily routine, and the people I see everyday didn’t change. When my grandfather passed away I was devastated but my everyday life didn’t change. But when my mom passed away my everyday life changed, big. I find myself at the age of nineteen thinking back on the good ole days. A kid. Nineteen. Already thinking about how things used to be. I think back to being a five year old little girl and never in my craziest dreams could I think my life would change forever, I would change forever in fourteen years. For nineteen years I would have it made, and not truly see that. I think back to starting off my senior year in high school. To turning eighteen. Not knowing that in a year I would be looking back and treasuring that time. Graduating I didn’t know another part of my life was also soon coming to an end. My first day of college I didn’t know in two months I would have to grow up a lot faster than I anticipated. And on October 3rd, 2017 I did not know that I would wake up the next day but my mom wouldn’t. You see you never know. You never know what is going to happen a few minutes from now, hours, days, or years. Someone’s everyday life is changing at this very moment and we are oblivious. Oblivious to their pain. I catch myself viewing the world that way. Like it has forgotten that I am in pain. Sometimes I forget that I’m in pain. The truth is my everyday life will never be the same. I can never come home to supper cooked by mom. I will never wake up to her voice singing “Good morning beautiful” to me. I lost my person. My person I took for granted. The many days I would call her on the way home complaining and ranting the entire way until I pulled into the drive way and carried on into the house. The many texts I sent letting her know I made it to school. You see my every day life has changed. And I’m still adapting. Adapting to a new daily routine. Waking up to an empty house. Fixing breakfast, cleaning, doing the dishes, doing laundry. Transitioning and becoming a daughter, mother, and wife all in one. There are certain things you can never grow “use” to. I never thought that a graveyard would soon be the place where I would visit my mom. That I would drive pass it everyday and sometimes not look. Sometimes I pretend she’s still here. While I’m getting ready or in my room that she’s in the living room waiting on me. There are some things you can’t escape. I can’t escape my dreams. I dream of her every night almost. Sometimes it’s great and it’s vivid and it feels real. Sometimes she dies over and over and over again. In different ways. But at least in my dreams I’m able to say goodbye and so is she.
And that’s the one thing I will ever grow use to. I was pulled into a room and told my mother’s state was not survivable. I arrived at the first hospital at four in the morning thinking the doctors would have her awake by the time we got there. I stayed in another hospital for hours waiting on a test to be given to her to determine if she was brain dead. I sat by a hospital bed and squeezed her hand as tight as I could hoping she might just squeeze it back. I was the one to call my boyfriend and tell him my mom died over the phone because he wasn’t yet at the hospital. I was the one to talk to my mom’s sister over the phone and tell her she wasn’t going to live. I was the one who calmed down my friend’s mom on the phone because it was too much. I was the one who asked if everyone else was okay. I was the one who tried to smile and still laugh on the worse day of my life. I was the one who was rushed out of the room when the test went wrong and I couldn’t look. I was the one who told my dad we were going to be okay. And I was the one who laid in the hospital bed with my mom and promised her I would be okay. You see I told my mother goodbye but she was already gone. I always thought when a tragedy like this would happen I would at least be able have those last few moments with her. Hear her say “This can never be goodbye,” but instead it was left to me. Our relationship cut short, her words lost before I even knew. I think writing this I realize that’s what I’m struggling with most. I didn’t have those last few moments with her. I didn’t hear her goodbye.
There’s a time to put on a brave face and a time to be vulnerable. More times than not I portray the first option, but I’ve hit a wall. Today I want to tear it down. I know that I will still hurt, cry, and not understand. But I pray that I am able to love my new everyday life, not just live it because that’s what I’ve been dealt. If you’re reading this and no matter what pain you’re feeling. From who or from what. I want you to know that you are not alone. No one may be able to understand, but in our own way each of us has had something occur that has changed our everyday life. Your brave face is great, but so is your broken down state. Mend and heal in your own way and own time. There is no rush.