Fear Broken


 Breathe your life into my spirit.
 Bring light to my eyes in this pitch-black darkness


God, all at once you turned on a floodlight for me!
    You are the revelation-light in my darkness,
    and in your brightness I can see the path ahead.

The other night at our Tuesday night prayer we broke off fear in our life. We lined up, released our fears publicly, and conquered them in minutes. As for me, I waited. I didn’t actually want to do this… get in line for starters. Then go in front of everyone and say what I was scared to face, my fears. You’re wondering how bad could they be? I’ll admit I felt silly in a way for how I felt. I was the last person in line and to be prayed for. I even thought about not saying what I actually feared and going with something else. But when your emotions have their own mind you can’t help but let it out. My fear. My fear was, was not is, that I was forgetting what it felt like to have a mom; what it felt like to know my mom. Immediately I lost all cool and broke down, but it felt good. I’ve grown in a habit of not feeling anything for a while and then maybe I’ll be driving down the road by myself and fall apart. But this night… it gave me a moment I will never forget. My friend, Jonna Lee, had a word for me. My favorite words are the ones that are absolutely crazy. The kind you know had to come from Holy Spirit. Jonna said she had wanted to tear apart tissues and throw it on me like confetti. Now you’re thinking “whattttt???” I was too. She said she felt like everyone needed to do this. But not that they were throwing paper on me, but showering me in my mothers love. She told me to jump around as they did it. So I did. In that moment I felt my mom for the second time since she died. The first time I really felt her with me. It was like everything was in slow motion and I was in the moment. A moment where I wasn’t aware of my circumstance or how I felt. A moment I felt my mom watching over me, dancing, jumping around with me. A moment I will never forget. Someone came up to me after prayer and told me they felt like mom was watching, joining in, showering me in her love. Full of joy. I want to feel that way all the time. It’s in the days you don’t feel like going to church or going to prayer. The moments you don’t want to speak up, but you do. You go. You speak. You sacrifice your flesh. It’s in those moments where you break free from fear, pain, mourning, bondage. Tuesday night was that night for me.

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