Journal Entry 10/17/17
I grew up knowing what a Testimony was, but having no idea what mine was. Until recently I still had no idea. A few weeks ago I sat down with one of my mentors and I even said “Being only nineteen I’ve not had this crazy thing happen where I’ve overcome addiction or was lost for years and years and finally found God.” Ever since I can remember I’ve always known God. Things have happened in my life that make me who I am today. My whole life is my Testimony. My parents have always said I had to grow up at a young age. I get told all the time that I’m mature for my age. I’m not sure if that’s always been good thing. A kid should get to be a kid. Though for me the real world hit a lot quicker. I wouldn’t change anything that has happened in my life because like I said I am the person today because of everything. I’m also a better off person than I probably could’ve ever been if I hadn’t known what it was like to have bad times and good times. People wonder why bad things happen and why people get sick. If the world was perfect and we never faced sickness or trials we would never long for anything more. We would never actually know what it felt like to feel really good because it would be the same old same old. We would never know what God’s mercy and love felt like because we wouldn’t think we needed it. I relate that to my life. If I did not have the life that I do I don’t know that I’d be— me. I don’t know that I be the daughter, friend, or girlfriend that I am right now. So without putting it off I’m going to share my Testimony. I’ve always said “Everyone has a story” and I don’t want to seem like I’m looking for sympathy. I do believe everyone deserves to tell their story and to not be afraid share it. I told my Pastor I wanted to right a book and that I would like to talk about my life. She asked me if I ever had and I said no not really. I’ve never told a crowd of people let alone posted it on the internet for the world to see. I see now more than ever that there’s no better time than the present. To live the future I want and to become the speaker and blogger I hope to be— I have to be honest. I want to be relatable and have no secrets. So I’m sharing all mine that I may not have meant to kept but never publicly said.
Hi, I’m Macey-Marie. I’m nineteen years old and my mom would always say my story starts the day she found out she was pregnant with me. My parents were told they couldn’t have kids and fourteen years later I guess you could say— surprise. A good surprise. A you’re welcome mom and dad if you will. The doctors told mom I wouldn’t be born and if I were I would have deficits. Obvisouly here I am. I made it into this world and I’m perfeclty healthy. My story fast forwards a few years. Around the age of five my mom was diagnosed with a terminal non curable lung disease- Constrictive Bronchiolitis. She was given five years to live yet lived many years past that. Ironically this disease my mom battled everyday isn’t what took her life, but I’ll come back to that later on. Fast fowarding again, I’m now a first grader. This is probably the hardest and most uncomfortable part for me to write about…. but maybe it will feel better to have everything out in the open. In first grade my teacher would take me behind the book shelf in class and touch in me places I knew were wrong. It took me forever to tell my parents because quite frankly I didn’t understand what was going on. I just knew it felt wrong. I went through a phase that would come and go where I would hide so I didn’t have to go to school. I would make myself sick to stay home. During gymnastics practice I would run up to mom and cry because I knew I had to go back to school the next day. I couldn’t stay the night with friends because I wasn’t able to make it through the night on weekends knowing Monday was coming. I don’t want it to seem like I’m being over dramatic I’m trying to be as real as I can. I finally told my parents and long story short the principal wouldn’t move me out of that teacher’s class into another, so I transferred. Other students came forth later on with their own stories similar to mine and that teacher can never teach again. After Christmas during my first grade year our house burned. Everything inside was gone. I could hear the fire trucks go by during recess at school. I had no idea they were going to my house or that when me and mom pulled up that she would tell me not to look. I had no idea that I would see my dad’s car and not him. We may have lost all physical belongings, but we still had each other. It just so happened that I brought my blankey, yes my blankey, to school with me that day. It was safe and sound. Dad had gotten home before us for the first time ever, but he was safe. That was a big transition in my life. We got to stay with my cousins at the lake for a while and that was a win for me. third grade I transferred again. I was at this school for almost three years when another sitatuion occurred. Not nearly the same type, but a big misunderstanding that yet again led to me transferring. During that time I was still having the same tendencies that I did at my old school. I would still make myself sick and cry pitching the biggest fit. Then I ended up at my Alma Mater, Carbon Hill High School. A blessing in itself. All of those tendencies I had at my old schools went away. I’m still in third grade at this point and both my mom’s parents passed away. Something people may not know about me is while yes I’m an only child it really has always been just me, mom, and dad. We have a small family. My dad’s parents died either before I was born or when I was too young to remember. All I was left with at this point was my mother’s step dad— My Paw Paw Owen. Shifting gears yet again I went to three different schools growing up and I’ve lived in seven houses. I just want to throw out that I love my life and don’t get that mistaken as I’m telling all this. For the next couple of years from what I can remember everything sort of stayed the same. Mom was always in and out of the hospital and I still had important people in my life. My sophomore year my uncle died and then my junior year my Paw Paw died. Two out of the three of the strongest and most important men in my life were no longer here. Death is something I grew accustomed to and at this point in my life so did people leaving. At seventeen I had my heartbroken like every other teenage girl. The real bad kind where every girl needs their mom. I’m so thankful I had mine. The relationship I put myself in tore my self respect and self worth to pieces. I didn’t think anything of myself and I didn’t care what was being done to me. I was willing to put up with all of it. The relationship ended once and for all and I finally started to grow into my new identity, the one God had for me all along. The same identity I’m still walking in today. After all this I was happy. It took about a year, but it did happen. I met the boyfriend I have now and the person I see my future with. I may not have grown up having a big family, but over the years God has blessed me with two big and awesome families— my church family, Worship Life, and Tanner’s Family. Now for the reason I’m writing this and the reason I feel like I finally know my Testimony— My Mom. I don’t know why it has been so hard for me to sit down and type this when I’ve spoke on it on every other social media platform. I haven’t known the words and I wanted to do my mom justice when I did. October 4, 2017 my mom passed away in her sleep. The doctors said she had several massive strokes. I never knew when or how. I just always knew the day would come. I was always hopeful, but I was also aware. I had the relationship with my mother like the one every mother and daughter should have. Open and honest. We could talk to each other about anything. We even had the conversation about this, in a more jokingly manner, but it was something in a way weren’t afraid of. I know I’ve been as strong as can be and people have been telling me that constantly. However, I don’t want people to think this hasn’t hit me and that it’s been easy. It is in the only way I know how to describe it the “weirdest and strangest” feeling ever. It’s unexplainable. It hurts but at the same time I’m numb. I’ve not been mad at her or at God at any time through this. I know better than that. I know that I can do this. I don’t know how, but I know I can. My mother always told me I was her angel, biggest blessing, her life, and her testimony. What she didn’t realize is she is mine. I am everything I am because of her, literally. I can only make it through this because of her strength that she drilled into me. My Testimony is my mom. A miracle. My miracle. My best friend. My Testimony is that even though some may look at my life and see a mess, or think how? I see God moving. I see the times where my mom could’ve died, but didn’t. I see the times where I could’ve been overcome by deep depression, but wasn’t. I see that I’m not finished. I see all the good in my life. A dad that when I was transferring for the last time took me to every school’s playground in the county so I could pick my favorite and that’s where I would go. I see where people have died all around me, but I’m still here and I know it’s for a reason. I see my dog, that everyone else may hate because he attacks them, but licks my tears away when I’m sad. I see a boyfriend who has never raised his voice or a hand at me, and that every time he looks at me I can see how much he loves me. I see a church family who was with me from five o’clock that morning when I couldn’t get mom to wake up until now and who hasn’t left my side. I see God all around me and in his people. I see it in the way I’m still somehow holding it together. I hope this in someway helps you get to know me or understand me better. I’m absolutely crazy. I splotch when I’m nervous. I get mad for no reason. I say “That makes me nervous” more than any one person should. I’m not perfect and a lot of times I’ve not even liked who I am. My Testimony is that I am a child of a God and He’s not finished with me yet. My story doesn’t end here. Whether good or bad comes next, there’s still a future and purpose for me here. I have many goals I want to fulfill. I want to become a successful blogger, write a book, travel and speak. Maybe even share my story. For the first time in my life I know my Testimony and I’m not afraid to share it. My testimony is everything I just shared for the first time to everyone.